Just Take the Pill!
by replica.of.bella
Summary: ONESHOT - What was once just a simple plea to take a vitamin turns into a full-blown and rather smelly disaster at the Cullen family household. All normal pairings, Rated M for Language and Thematic Elements.


**A/N: Hello, everyone! Okay, I know what you're thinking - "WHY HAVEN'T YOU UPDATED YOUR TWO OTHER, NON-ONE-SHOT STORIES YET?!" Sorry, people, but I have to be inspired to write - otherwise the chapter will totally bomb and everyone will be bored. Don't worry, I'm not totally abandoning these pieces - they'll be finished in due time.**

**Anyway, moving on... this one-shot was just a random thought that occurred to me in the school bathroom (when I was washing my hands, of course!) and I wondered... what would happen if Bella clogged the toilet? Ew, I know, but I was terribly bored when I wrote this, so if you are easily grossed out, DON'T READ. Just to let you know, I usually never write things like this, so it's definitely a change.**

**So, without further ado, here's my new one-shot - "Just Take the Pill, Already!"**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of it's fantastical characters. That Stephanie Meyer woman does. Psh. Whatever.**

_Just Take the Pill, Already!_

_Bella's POV_

"Bella, just take the vitamin already!" I crossed my arms in defiance - I would not be force-fed a nutritional supplement by my vampire husband, just two days before my transformation. "This is ridiculous. This is idiocy! I refuse."

Edward sighed, exasperated, and curled his long-fingered hand around my clenched up fist. I suppose it was meant as a gesture of comfort, of assurance even. But I wasn't buying it.

I furrowed my brow and glared into those warm, butterscotch eyes, those eyes that seemed to penetrate the very soul that existed within me, melting my organs until I was just a blob of - "Oh, BELLAAAA!"

I snapped out of my trance. There, now that's two intentional attempts at getting his way with me.

I turned away from Edward, shooting daggers with my eyes.

"Helloooo, Earth to Bella! Calling all best friends of Alice Cullen, resident psychic!" A white blur waved in front of my face, crossing my eyes.

"ARGH!" I tipped back out of my chair and before I knew it my head was cracked on the kitchen linoleum and the kitchen stool was broken in half. I looked up, bewildered, into Alice's eyes. She had her ivory hand clamped over her mouth, cheeks bulged up, holding in a fit of laughter.

Ah, yes, and so was my oh-so-understanding lover. Okay, time to get up, I think I've been down here for at least four minutes. It took another tedious minute to notice that my legs were caught in the splintered legs of the heap of polished wood that was once my seating arrangement, stuck fast against the shards of oak that pierced through the flares of my jeans.

It so happened that my current position, back against the floor, arms splayed, legs raised with toes pointed to the windowed ceiling, gave Edward (and anyone else who happened to pass through from the garage doorway) a fantastic view of my... more _private_ areas.

Well, fantastic for little Eddie over there. If a vampire could unconsciously drool, then he probably just broke the record - Alice sidestepped a string of saliva that dripped to the floor.

"Hey, my butt is not a side-show attraction!" I complained, as I struggled to free myself. The garage door burst open. "Did somebody say, BUTT?" Oh, joy.

Emmett bounded into the kitchen, an oily wrench in one hand and Rosalie in the other. One look at my current position had Emmett thundering in raucous laughter, all at my expense. Okay, why was nobody helping me?

Rosalie frowned as her husband rolled on the gleaming floor, and I could've sworn that I saw tears forming in his eyes. Quick as a flash, she whipped off her baggy, grease-stained tee-shirt and tossed it over my exposed behind. I made a face at her. "I had to do something - it's simply not proper to flaunt one's anus to a household of vampires, including the one you've recently slept with," she replied scathingly.

I burned red as a tomato, and I heated up more places then one as Edward gulped and stared into my eyes with a fiery passion. Tomato... hmm... I never really thought about pronouncing it two ways... tomAYto, or tomAHto... tomato... toma - "BELLA!"

I was wrenched up out of my uncomfortable position by a pair of stone cold arms. Hands brushed wood chips and grease stains off of my body as I gazed around blearily, disoriented.

Alice stood me up straight, and guided me to the brand-new chair. I sat down, staring at the - wait, brand-new chair? I glanced at Edward wonderingly, momentarily forgetting the numerous reasons that I was mad at him. He shrugged, and gestured at Alice, who was currently unloading numerous shopping bags from her canary-yellow Porsche. Either I was on that floor for about four hours, or these vampires were _good!_

Just as I was about to open my mouth, the little pixie zoomed over, stopping short right in front of me with a salute. "As I was saying, I thought we could go shopping today, since you were going to break a chair and because you definitely need some new panties - Edward, I'm not finished with you about that - but as soon as I waved my hand in front of your face, you broke the chair, so I stole that moment to buy a new one! _And_ panties!" She said this all at vampire speed, and stuck out her arm in which at least twenty-five lacy thongs swung from the clutches of her palm.

Edward's eyes glazed over as he stared at the beauty of the undergarments, and slowly, slowly, his marble fingers stretched out to touch them, just to stroke the satiny material that would cover the soft, silkiness of his wife's - I snatched them from Alice and stuffed them down my shirt. His face fell. I sighed and looked over at my grinning sister. "Go figure." She laughed a tinkling giggle and skipped away, humming "Hips Don't Lie" under her breath.

Edward reached over across the table and took my forearms in his hands, and I made sure not to look in his eyes. But that couldn't stop me from yanking away and plugging my ears from his velvety-smooth voice.

"Bella, darling, just take the vitamin! What's wrong with it?" I continued my task of staring down at my stiffened thighs. "Why do I need this when I'm going to be a blood-lusty vampire in less than fourty-eight hours? How will I benefit from this?" I mumbled.

He groaned and grabbed up the large, squarish, brick-red vitamin pill and held it out to me in his palm. This angered me - I swatted the hand away, the vitamin skidding across the table and into Edward's _other_ outstretched hand.

"Edward, this is a great injustice! I shall not be forced to anything that I do not wish to do! I am not going to take sides or compromise in this matter! I am Switzerland, I tell you! I AM SWITZERLAND!" I thrashed my arms and legs around in the air for a good ten seconds and then stopped, realizing that my theatrics hadn't the intended effect on my husband.

His eyes burned a coal black now. Oh, shit, that's his determined look again. He's going to make me take it, he's going to shove it down my gullet, oh no, oh no, oh no... I cracked open a squinty eye and saw him stifling a laugh again. I'm starting to wonder if I say my thoughts out loud in the daytime as well.

He moved my hair out of my face and stroked my cheek fondly. "Bella, love, are you honestly telling me that you're _afraid_ to take this vitamin pill?" He held it up to my mouth and I shuddered away, nearly falling backwards again. I caught myself as he clamped his smiling mouth shut in obvious restraint. I frowned childishly and crossed my arms over my chest.

"I... I just... I've had bad experiences with swallowing things whole." Edward gave me a withering look. "No, really! One time, Renee decided that I was too old for that liquid-Tylenol stuff, and so she forced me to take the tablets! She shoved them down my throat, and I started gagging, and I couldn't breathe, and the whole eight years of my life started to flash before my very eyes, and -" Edward started to laugh, his humor uncontainable at this point. I was suddenly on his lap, and Edward kissed me softly on the mouth.

"Okay, that may be true, but at nineteen years of age, you can't possibly prove that you can't swallow a vitamin." I protested: "But, but, but..." Edward held up his hand, cutting me off. "If you take this vitamin, I promise that _maybe_ we can talk about some... rewards, having to do with those lovely undergarments that Alice so willingly bought you only a few minutes ago..." He trailed off suggestively as he ran his finger down my spine. I shuddered, and grasped the pill out of his open hand. "That's what I thought," he chuckled as I grinned sheepishly up at him.

I was about to take it, seal my reward, when suddenly - "EMMETT! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT PLEASURING YOURSELF ON TOP OF EDWARD'S GRAND PIANO!" A look of pure horror overwhelmed Edward's features, and I half-ran, half-stumbled up the steps to our bedroom, trying to block out Edward and Esme's shrieks from downstairs.

As soon as I arrived, I entered the granite-countered expanse that was my new bathroom and filled up a glass of water and placed the red, blocky pill next to it, precisely. I took a look in the mirror, and realized my eyes were white with fear.

No, no, I couldn't do this! Yes, I could. No, I couldn't. I started spinning around in a circle, bumping into the towel rack as I went, which clattered to the floor with a resounding metallic crash. Apparently the ruckus downstairs surpassed the Cullens' worry of me hurting myself. Great.

I stopped spinning, and glanced around, surveying the damage done. Not much, not as bad a usual - my eyes swept over the toilet. Shoot, the vitamin had fell into the toilet water, and it was slowly disintegrating, coloring the water reddish-brown.

A sudden rumbling in the pit of my stomach reminded me of my human needs, and I ignored the discoloration of the toilet-water, dropped my pants, and collapsed onto the toilet seat.

_35 Minutes Later... _

My face was red and beads of sweat were rolling down my face and back. Who knew that excretion could be so... exerting? I laughed slightly, and tried to concentrate...

_50 Minutes Later... _

AH! A satisfying "plop," echoed throughout the bathroom as I cleaned myself up and stood to flush the toilet. Oh boy... it wasn't such a pleasant sight. Or smell. Oh, well, it's all in the past now, Bella. Time to get back to finishing up _Wuthering Heights_, or maybe getting Edward up here for some reward time...

I turned back to the toilet from the mirror where I had been running my hand through my hair in content. Instead of a clear bowl of water and a satisfying flush, I saw the remnants of last night's steak dinner and heard a disgusting gurgle. I laughed a bit, and looked down at the traitor toilet. I pressed down on the flusher extra hard and long. There, that ought to do it!

The contents didn't even swirl, they just rose up to the top of the toilet with more water. Frustrated and angered at the blasted appliance, I flushed multiple times, jiggling the knob with my hand. I smirked, convinced that the toilet's wrath had come to an end. I crossed my arms - prepare to meet your maker, foul contraption!

And meet it's maker it did... but not in the way I had planned. I yelped, and jumped five feet in the air as the vile-smelling, brown liquid seeped through Edward's socks and the hems of my jeans. Oh, crap. Holy shit. Literally.

I frantically searched around for some paper towels to mop up the mess. I found some underneath the sink in the back of the cabinet. I yanked out strands and strands of toilet paper from the thick Bounty roll and ripped them apart, dropping them all around the bathroom, where the liquid had spread. The towels were soaked through immediately, and began to float around my feet.

I started hyperventilating, which was never good when you were surrounded by toxic fumes.

I panicked, and grasped a handful of Edward's fluffy white towels from the rack. I threw them down onto the floor, where the brown sea of excrement sucked them up quickly after slapping me in the face with the gross water. I was up to my shins by now. The whole bathroom was filled with the contents of the toilet.

I screamed, and waded my way out of the range of the toilet, which was still overflowing like a waterfall of sewage. I fumbled with the lock on the door, and threw it open, as the water burst through into our bedroom, soaking the shimmering, golden, plush carpet with a muddy brown, poop color. And stench.

I started sobbing, tears running down my face, neck, stomach, and along my arms. My face was scrunched up and red as I ran down the stairs, flailing my arms out for balance as I wetted the rest of the beautiful house that I had just started to call home.

I was still relentlessly sobbing, choking on my tears, as I dashed to the garage, probably running as fast as I had ever run before. I heard Edward and Esme giving Emmett a good beating in the front room where my love's grand sat, and they did not notice me as I burst through the garage door and into the large space where Edward's Volvo and Carlisle's Mercedes sat.

I banged up against their cars, smearing waste onto their side doors and bumpers as I relentlessly searched for a plunger. There was no plunger in here, as I soon found, whilst tossing random (and sometimes sharp) objects and tools around the garage.

Panting, with my body continuing to wrack with frantic sobs, I threw myself back into the house and into a supply closet. Hallelujah! A plunger, AND a vacuum! I grasped both of them and somehow made it back up the stairs without falling to my imminent doom.

I shrieked - the sewage water had flowed into the hallway outside of our room, and was now dripping down the banisters to the two lower levels. I realized that some had dripped onto my head and into my hair as I ran.

I sloshed through the water and burst through the bedroom, and through the closed bathroom door. I slammed it shut again - the toilet was STILL overflowing relentlessly.

The poo-filled water was up to my eyes, and as I gulped for air, I swallowed a mouthful of the revolting fluid. I was sobbing and sobbing, I couldn't stop to breathe, all my muscles were failing.

I dropped the plunger to the bottom of the floor, it was too late for that anyway. The water was rising to the ceiling, and I bobbed along with it, grasping at the ceiling for support. As I did so, crying and spluttering uncontrollably, I dropped the vacuum into the depths of the water.

I screamed a tortuous scream and inhaled a large breath, half-air, half-water, and dove. I opened my eyes, while I swirled around in a torrent of murky water. I spotted the vacuum - but I didn't have much time left. The whole bathroom was filled to the brim with my waste.

I thrashed my arms frantically, trying to decrease the space between me and my vacuum. I finally grasped it, YES! I pressed the "ON" switch and the vacuum started to whir. But instead of water sucking into it's bag, like I had stupidly wished it would in my time of frantic and unreasonable judgement, it spilled all the filth and dirt of the house into the water.

I choked on water and dust, and I lost my breath. I gasped, inhaling a stomach-full of sewage and grime, and I started to black out from lack of oxygen and the disgust I felt. I was drowning. I was going to die.

Suddenly, when I thought that all hope was lost, I heard Edward, my everlasting love, speaking to me. I gasped, and opened my eyes to see his image suspended in the brown, lumpy water in front of me. He smiled, and reached out for me. "Go, Bella. Save yourself. Swim for the door! I know you can do it. I love you... and I love how sexy you look in my boxers." He smiled angelically, calmly, as if nothing was wrong, and grasped my arm in a cold but firm grip and guided me towards the door. He placed my hand on the knob and I looked at him, one last time.

In that moment, I knew that I loved him, even when I was angry with him. I loved him more than anything in the world put together. He was my all, my destiny, and I would gladly die for him, as I may die now. He nodded serenely, and I twisted my wrist and the door swung open, the ocean of excrement-water pushing me and pulling me this way and that like the waves of the ocean, and finally laying me on top of something soft, something comforting. Maybe this _was _heaven after all... and then I felt a searing pain in my head. Never mind...

_Edward's POV _

"Emmett, this is your last warning. If you lie about your obvious joy in spiting me by soiling my prized possession with your... your... revolting bodily fluids... I'll... I'll..." I fumed, roaring in anger, motioning to Esme, who nodded solemnly and swung at a curled up Emmett's behind with a steel-spiked whip. Emmett whimpered. "I'M SORRY! DOES THIS MEAN NO MORE READING PORNO IN BELLA'S ROCKING CHAIR?"

I gasped, my mouth falling open. "You... what -" My oncoming torrent of fury was interrupted by a bloodcurdling scream coming from up in my room - suddenly I realized that there was a seriously disgusting smell invading the house.

I swung my head around at vampire speed to see muddy-ish water seeping down the stairs like a waterfall. Oh no... Alice's vision! Bella didn't take the pill!

I dashed at a ferocious speed up the stairs, through gallons and oceans of Bella's excrement. Oh, Bella, please don't leave me! Hold on, please, please, Bella! Don't give up, never let go! NEVER LET GO JACK!

I punched open our bedroom door, which splintered into pieces around me, to see the bathroom door swing open and a tidal wave of poo-filled water carry a flailing, swirling Bella onto our bed. I screamed, running towards her in slow-motion, as a plunger flew out of the bathroom and whacked her soundly across the temple. Ouch.

_Bella's POV - Later That Evening _

I awoke to the bleeping of hospital monitors and the shuffle of doctor's coats. Every inch of me ached, and wherever I was smelled unbelievably horrible. I groaned in agony.

Suddenly, I felt myself being lifted up and cuddled close to someone's stone cold chest - Edward! I slowly opened my bleary eyes, and slowly Edward's face came into focus.

He kissed me full on the mouth, and we twisted together in a passionate embrace. Oh, how I had missed him - I had been so afraid! "Ahem?"

I flipped around on Edward's lap to see a disgruntled Emmett on the floor in front of the TV. "Do you two mind? I'm TRYING to watch the finale of Grey's Anatomy!" More bleeping monitors. More doctor-ish shuffles. I hated the show, but you have to admit, that Patrick Dempsey sure is a stunner.

Apparently Emmett thought so as well, and he unzipped his pants and headed over to Edward's piano - Edward took out a stun gun and shot him in the butt. Emmett howled and slumped on the ground, where numerous stun-darts littered the floor. "Not a chance, sucker!" Edward laughed maniacally.

His face softened as he gazed into my eyes. "I thought I'd lost you there for a minute. But you're okay, or so I think. Excepting this -" He brought his hand to my throbbing temple... " - and the fact that we have to remodel our whole house."

I blushed a deep scarlet, and buried my face deep in his chest. I was such a klutz. And an idiot. He sighed. "Oh, Bella, it's no problem for any of us -" "YES, IT IS!" shouted Rosalie from the other room. Edward snarled. Then he turned back to me.

"As I was saying, it's no problem. All that matters is that you're safe and sound." I sighed in defeat. "But, is there anything I can do to help? To stop this from happening again?"

Edward grinned, and started laughing all over again. I pouted. Everyone was making fun of me of the late. He wiped away nonexistent tears and said, "Bella, all I ask of you is that you listen for once, and take the damn Ex - Lax!"

I froze, and he smiled. "Because, of course, all this could've been avoided if you just took the stuff and de-constipated yourself, just like Alice's vision said you would." I was still frozen, mouthing all types of random words to myself, silently.

He shook me, and then growled. "Whoever changed that vision, wherever they are now, I will find out. And they WILL pay."

Emmett started to unzip his pants as the stunning wore off, and a flash of recognition played in Edward's eyes. I felt a great wave of remorse of sympathy for my brother-bear. "Emmett..." Emmett tittered nervously, and frantically pointed at me. "IT WAS HER FAULT!"

Edward clenched his knuckles, and they made a cracking sound. Okay, maybe I wasn't _so _remorseful.

**A/N: Okay, thanks for reading! Again, sorry if I disturbed/scarred anyone - sometimes I scar myself. Ponders over this thought OKAY, I don't scar myself, not literally... dear Lord, I'm offending people left and right today. **

**Kay... REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! Even if you hated it... Flames always welcome!**


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